.png)
Balancing Work and Motherhood: The Myth of Doing It All
- Jan 19
- 7 min read
Balancing work and motherhood is often presented as a manageable challenge, something modern women can master with the right routine, mindset, or productivity system. The reality is far more complex. Most mothers quickly discover that after giving birth, returning to work is not a neat transition. It is an identity shift, a physical and mental strain, and an emotional balancing act that demands more than most people can see.
Many women assume they are failing individually because they cannot keep up. Yet what feels personal is overwhelmingly structural. The load is too heavy, the pace too fast, and the expectations unrealistic.
The problem lies in the high pressure and expectations - from society, families, ourselves. And it is time we learn to question this, instead of wondering if something is wrong with us.
The Myth of “Having It All”
In theory, women today can pursue careers, raise children, build fulfilling relationships, maintain a household, and still find space for hobbies, exercise, friendships, and personal growth.
In practice, most mothers discover that something always gives.
Culturally, we have absorbed the idea that motherhood should be added on top of existing identity and ambition rather than replacing or reshaping any part of it. A woman is expected to be the same employee, the same partner, and the same person she was before childbirth. The only new expectation is more: nurturing, caregiving, organising, worrying.
The modern narrative says: “You can have it all.” What it leaves out is the fine print: “As long as you don’t drop anything.”
According to McKinsey’s Women in the Workplace report, 43% of mothers with young children consider leaving or slowing down their careers because of the struggle to meet competing demands. Yet few talk openly about why that decision even feels necessary.
Why the Invisible Load Matters
On paper, the division of tasks at home often looks fair. Partners may share visible work: cooking, bedtime routines, cleaning. What remains hidden is the mental load.
Mental load includes:
• remembering doctor appointments,
• keeping track of developmental milestones,
• anticipating needs,
• arranging childcare,
• thinking ahead about meals, clothes, schedules and illnesses,
• managing the emotional wellbeing of the household.
A study across OECD countries highlights that women perform significantly more unpaid care work than men, averaging almost twice as many hours per week. Unpaid does not mean unimportant. It means unaccounted for — professionally and personally.
If you add paid work, night feeds, sleep disruptions and childcare transitions, it becomes clear why mothers feel stretched thin. The invisible load is real work. It is simply unrewarded and rarely recognised.
Returning to Work: The Hardest Season No One Warns You About
Many women imagine maternity leave as a pause — a temporary step away from work before returning to familiar life.
And then reality hits.
Sleep is inconsistent. Breastfeeding or pumping must be navigated around meetings. Babies get sick, often weekly in the first months of daycare. Hormones and identity are still settling. A staggering 80% of mothers report feeling guilt over leaving their baby, even when they want to return to work.
I lived this myself. I planned to return after six months, believing that was ample time. Yet as the date approached, I realised that physically, mentally and emotionally, I was nowhere near ready. My daughter needed more care, my body was still recovering, and I had almost no capacity for anything beyond survival. I eventually returned at eight months. Even with extra time, the first months back were overwhelming. My daughter was adapting to daycare. I was exhausted, navigating a new schedule, and attempting to perform at my previous level. I felt I was underperforming everywhere — with my child, at work, and in my relationship — despite giving everything I had.
This is the point where many women assume they are not cut out for their career, or that motherhood has made them “less driven.” In truth, they are balancing impossible demands.
Why the Expectation Itself Is Broken
Balancing work and motherhood should not mean living in a state of permanent scarcity — too little sleep, too little energy, too much guilt. And yet scarcity becomes the default.
This is where the myth becomes damaging: If you believe you should be able to handle everything, you interpret exhaustion as inadequacy rather than reality.
But energy is finite. Time is finite. Capacity is finite.
Something has to give — yet women often internalise the cost instead of adjusting the expectations. Work does not adjust. Household needs do not adjust. Society rarely adjusts. So the mother withdraws from her own needs.
She trades evenings for chores, rest for emails, hobbies for planning, and identity for what feels like survival.
What Mothers Can Do When “Everything” Is Too Much
When everything feels heavy, the instinct is often to push harder. To become more organised, more efficient, more resilient. But for many mothers, that approach only deepens exhaustion. Sometimes the most supportive move is not to optimise — but to soften.
1. Pause the self-judgment
Before changing anything externally, notice the inner dialogue. Many mothers carry a quiet narrative of inadequacy: I should be coping better. Others manage this. That voice rarely reflects reality. It is shaped by comparison, silence, and unrealistic expectations. Start by questioning the story rather than yourself.
2. Acknowledge what you are already carrying
Take a moment to name everything that sits on your plate — not only tasks, but emotional responsibilities. The planning. The worrying. The constant attunement to others. When the load becomes visible, it often becomes easier to understand why you are tired. Exhaustion does not mean you are failing. It means you are holding a lot.
3. Allow priorities to shift, without guilt
Not every season allows for growth, ambition, or expansion. Some seasons are about maintenance and care. That does not mean you are falling behind. It means your life is asking for something different right now. Let go of the pressure to treat every role as equally important at all times.
4. Ask for support before you reach the edge
Support is often sought only when things feel unmanageable. Yet asking earlier can prevent that point altogether. Whether it is practical help, emotional space, or professional support, receiving help is not a failure of independence. It is an act of responsibility toward your own wellbeing.
Feel to reach out to me to book a free intro session. Verbalising your challenge and having a non-judgemental listener can already make a big difference. You can also find out more about parental coaching here:
5. Create small moments that are just yours
This does not require large blocks of time. Sometimes it is five quiet minutes before the house wakes up. A short walk without a podcast. A moment of silence before opening the laptop. These pauses are regulating. They help your nervous system recover enough to meet the day.
6. Stay connected to other mothers
Isolation intensifies self-doubt. Conversation softens it. Hearing other women speak honestly about their struggles often brings relief: It’s not just me. Connection does not need to be deep or frequent to matter — it simply needs to be real. For me personally it really helped to join the BCT - Brussels Childbirth Trust.
A New Narrative for Working Mothers
Rather than striving to “have it all” in every direction simultaneously, it is more realistic — and healthier — to embrace seasons.
There are chapters for career momentum.
Chapters for caregiving.
Chapters that stretch and deplete.
Chapters that rebuild and expand.
The pressure to perform at the same level as before, immediately and everywhere, is destructive and unsustainable.
Women do not need to try harder. They need expectations that reflect reality, not fantasy.
Conclusion: You Are Not Behind
Balancing work and motherhood does not need to be a performance of perfection. The impossibility of doing everything at once is not a reflection of your abilities — it is a reminder that human capacity has limits.
You are doing more than anyone sees.
You are not failing.
You are adapting, learning, and carrying more than most systems acknowledge.
Give yourself permission to drop the ball, to rest, to rebuild who you are — slowly but surely.
You don't have to do it alone
If you’re in this transition, struggling with identity, confidence, boundaries or balance — I help women navigate exactly that season.
Book a free intro session (15 minutes) and let’s figure out what support you need next.
FAQs
1. Why is balancing work and motherhood so hard?
Because the demands increase dramatically while time, energy, and cognitive capacity remain finite. Motherhood adds not only physical caregiving but also emotional and mental responsibilities that rarely disappear when paid work resumes. The challenge is not a lack of skill or resilience; it is the collision of multiple full-time roles being carried simultaneously, often without sufficient structural or relational support.
2. Is it normal to feel guilty returning to work?
Yes — and it is far more common than most women realise. Guilt often arises from deep biological attachment, hormonal shifts, and social narratives that equate good motherhood with constant presence. Even women who enjoy their work or need to return financially can feel torn. This guilt is not a sign that you are making the wrong decision; it reflects how emotionally loaded this transition is and how little space society gives women to hold competing truths at once.
3. Why do I feel like I’m underperforming everywhere?
Because expectations rarely adjust when responsibilities multiply. Many mothers are expected to perform at the same level at work while also absorbing the realities of disrupted sleep, childcare transitions, and increased emotional labour at home. When nothing around you changes, it is natural to feel stretched thin. This feeling is not evidence of failure — it is a signal that the system is asking for more than is realistically available.
4. Does asking for help mean I’m not coping?
No. Asking for help is not a weakness; it is a recognition of reality. Parenting was never meant to be done in isolation, yet many women feel pressure to manage silently. Reaching out — to a partner, family member, colleague, or professional — is an act of self-respect. Support does not diminish your competence; it sustains it.
5. How long does it take to adjust after returning to work?
There is no universal timeline. For many women, adjustment takes at least several months and sometimes longer. It depends on factors such as sleep quality, childcare reliability, work flexibility, emotional support, and personal expectations. Progress is rarely linear. Feeling unsettled does not mean you are regressing, it means you are adapting to a new configuration of life.
6. What mindset shift helps most?
Letting go of the idea that all areas of life must receive equal attention at the same time. Life moves in seasons. Some periods require prioritising stability and care over growth and expansion. Reframing success as alignment with what matters right now — rather than constant achievement — can ease pressure and create more sustainable rhythms.
.png)
Comments